[charlene]

Toronto Star:
100 reasons to watch the Oscars

Feb 21, 2009 04:30 AM

Malene Arpe

1. You can't wait to hear Jerry Lewis offend six to eight different races, religions and sexual orientations when accepting the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award.

2. Your doctor told you to keep the bandage on for six-and-a-half hours, which just happens to be the exact duration of the telecast.

3. Philip. Seymour. Hoffman. You know you want some.

4. If you don't watch, Mickey Rourke will come to your house and never leave.

5. You can't wait to see if John Travolta will show up, try to overcome his recent personal tragedy but, sadly, end up having a complete breakdown on national television. Oh, no, sorry. That's not you. That's me.

6. The Best Picture clips will be projected onto Nicole Kidman's forehead.

7. It's the perfect excuse to eat caviar muffins.

8. It's marginally more cheerful than the documentary on the inevitable extinction of every cute species in the entire world that's airing on Animal Planet.

9. You've already seen The Pink Panther 2 and Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Twice.

10. You have no intention of ever seeing He's Just Not That Into You.

11. Leather and Lace Night at The Golden Goat doesn't start until 2 a.m. anyway.

12. It's the closest you'll ever come to glamour, glitz and perfect hair. Sorry. That's me, too.

13. Anagrams for Academy Awards include Mad Saw Daycare; A Scared, Mad Way; and A Sad, Warm Decay. All good things. Especially the last. Mmm ... sad, warm decay.

14. There's only so much time a man can spend shaving his legs.

15. Those guys vying for Film Editing are smoking hot.

16. At least 5 per cent of the nominees have all their original body parts. I can almost guarantee you that.

17. If you get really drunk and squint, you can almost imagine that it's Ricky Gervais hosting.

18. If Sean Penn wins, maybe he'll smoke and say something unpleasant and inflammatory while looking sour and unshaven.

19. You have $50 on how many times host Hugh Jackman will use the word "claws."

20. You have $75 on how many times host Hugh Jackman will use the word "claws" in conjunction with a joke about Jack Nicholson.

21. You have $100 on how many times Hugh Jackman will actually be wearing "claws."

22. The Oscar statuette weighs 3.85 kilograms, and at some point an emaciated actress will win and promptly drop it from her hunger-weakened hands. This could be the year.

23. Ryan Seacrest will be snubbed by at least 10 celebrities.

24. The hairdos of Robert Pattinson and Zac Efron will duel for world domination.

25. It's better than mashed beets with warm milk.

26. You know what's funny? When the Best Foreign Language Film winner has to run all the way from the back of the theatre.

27. You know what else is funny? Angelina's face when she doesn't win.

28. It's the last year you'll be able to use your antenna.

29. You know how your friend set you up with a blind date for Sunday night? Yeah, you don't want to go there.

30. The tiny, tiny, yet real chance that Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie will meet on the red carpet.

31. The even tinier, yet still real possibility they'll be wearing the same kind of dress.

32. Your new cellmate has some sort of history with Anne Hathaway.

33. You want to know the exact moment Heath Ledger does not win so you can log on to your favourite website and start writing indignant, outraged comments.

34. Your toaster told you to.

35. It's a pretty great excuse not to go see your friend's cousin's emo band play their first gig.

36. You know those movies you decided not to see last year because they were arty and boring? This is your chance to get a glimpse of all of them.

37. This year the Academy decided not to reveal the celebrity presenters, so who we might see is an exciting secret. Could be Ron Howard. Could be Ron Jeremy.

38. That $10.95 bottle of sparkling wine you bought for a special occasion isn't going to drink itself.

39. You swore you wouldn't spend another Sunday night on MyNaughtyLego.com.

40. Mr. Whisker-Poo insists.

41. Since they failed to break down a wall and hoist you out with a crane, you've given up on the idea of leaving the couch.

42. Your mom promised to do your laundry if you'd come over and watch.

43. Michael Moore isn't nominated for anything.

44. What with the restraining order and all, this is the closest you're likely to get to Richard Jenkins for a long time.

45. Avarice is your favourite thing.

46. You have $50 on whether the Academy will have come up with some sort of excuse to put the Jonas Brothers onstage.

47. Ditto Miley Cyrus.

48. Maybe Marisa Tomei will wear her costume from The Wrestler.

49. It's always exciting to see who just made it in under the wire for the "In Memoriam" segment.

50. There's nothing better than when the Canadian simulcast somehow manages to miss a significant moment to make room for a Corner Gas promo.

51. Awkward pairings of celebrity presenters who have clearly never met each other before.

52. Hearing said celebrities read lines like "Lights! Camera! Action! There are no words like them!" "And no words like `The nominees for Best Makeup are ...'"

53. Awkward pairings of celebrity presenters who have clearly seen each other naked before.

54. Awkward pairings of Mickey Rourke and anyone.

55. The big production number will be 12 creepy Benjamin Button babies dancing to "Jai Ho" from Slumdog Millionaire.

56. Maybe Jack Black will be there and do his Kung Fu Panda kick. No one I know can get enough of that.

57. Banjo class is cancelled.

58. "Cooking With Leftover Soap and Garden Snails, and Other Survival Tips for the Coming Inevitable Societal Breakdown" is also cancelled.

59. The hottie you hooked up with in Second Life expects you to.

60. Frost/Nixon could be a surprise/winner, in which case you'll win your Oscar/pool.

61. The Ambien has long since stopped working.

62. OxyContin makes everything pretty.

63. Ever since "the episode," you're not allowed to watch Ultimate Fighting anymore.

64. It's book club night, but you still haven't made it through The All-Girl Knitting and Heartbreak Club.

65. Since you got that facial tattoo of Goebbels, your social life has slowed down a bit.

66. The E! stiletto cam is the best thing to happen to you since you discovered your, erm, predilection.

67. Maybe Josh Brolin will call Russell Crowe an asshole again.

68. Promoting Angels & Demons, Tom Hanks will make a joke about his Da Vinci Code hair. It will be hilarious.

69. You forgot the safe word.

70. You need a break from bitching about how the Watchmen movie will so totally suck and how they've ruined the ending and how you want Alan Moore to show up to the premiere naked and drunk and ...

71. Every time someone thanks a lawyer, a hairdresser or parents who are "looking down from up there," you may take a swig of cooking brandy.

72. The $50 million spent by studios on Oscar campaigns could have bought five million malaria-preventing mosquito nets. Don't let it be a complete loss.

73. Christian Bale has promised to yell.

74. Even an evil scientist has to have the occasional day off from planning world domination.

75. Your wife left you, your dog ran away and your truck got repossessed.

76. Academy president Sid Ganis recently told the nominees: "Your categories are being presented in a completely different way. Heads up. Cinematographers, editors, composers. All of you guys. You're in for a big surprise." You know what that means: interpretive dance.

77. You're curious as to whether documentary short The Final Inch is as porny as it sounds.

78. An irony-free night will do you good.

79. If you keep watching until the very end, they'll reveal what Lost is all about. Promise.

80. The demon that controls you shall not be denied; so sayeth your Lord Satan.

81. You place inordinate value on blown-up, overrated displays of opulence and fake sentiment. (I love you.)

82. Your diet doesn't start until tomorrow.

83. You can't wait to see who will be the first to embrace red carpet Depression Chic.

84. It's the only thing you got in the settlement.

85. Your Wii broke.

86. You think it's the first half of a documentary on The Odd Couple.

87. It's either that or riding around aimlessly on the TTC all night.

88. Is feathered hair finally making a comeback?

89. You're Paris Hilton and, once again, you failed to sneak into the Kodak Theatre.

90. Penélope Cruz is your wife, but the only way she communicates is by sending you messages through the television.

91. It's 100-per-cent salmonella-free.

92. If you don't, who will?

93. Bruce Springsteen will play the halftime show.

94. It's always a nice reminder that there's something that sucks worse than the Leafs.

95. The Pricewaterhouse accountants are busy working on the financial bailout, so killer monkeys tabulated the votes.

96. In an effort to make this the greenest Oscars ever, Tom Cruise soaked himself in water and rolled in Chia Pet seeds seven days prior to the show.

97. Due to the recent financial constraints, the orchestra has been replaced by your favourite Van Halen tribute band.

98. You may be a Marxist-Leninist, but you still love vintage Chanel.

99. You got tangled in your Snuggie and you can't reach the remote.

100. It's Sunday night in the middle of the winter during a horrible economic downturn. What the bleep else do you have to do?