It Never Rains But It Pours

[Auburn Annie]

Hi all - just a short note. I haven't been on much lately because [a] our ISP is upgrading all over the city so the server has been down intermittently, and [b] well, we've had a hell of a few days here.

I had been watching my mom for the weekend while my sister, her main caregiver, had gone to Pennsylvania with friends for the weekend. She got back around 4:15 Sunday afternoon. Two hours later I got a frantic call that something was wrong with mom. She'd had a major stroke, this time affecting her right side. So I spent most of Sunday evening at the ER.

Meanwhile, on Monday morning Rich had hand surgery scheduled at a nearby (but out of town) surgicenter. The surgery went well btw. Before we left for surgery I had the presence of what was left with my mind to search for flights from Atlanta for my sister who I knew would be coming up and whose computer is in the shop. I gave her the possible flights info. Her ex rose to the occasion, bought her ticket, helped her pack, drove her to the airport and waited until she boarded. Another brother-in-law drove 90 miles to get her.

And then last night my late father's sister called to say their brother Bill was en route to the hospital, also with a probable stroke.

My husband is on his way to the high school to pick up our daughter who is falling apart with grief over her grandmother; I should have seen it coming when she made mashed potatoes to take with her lunch this morning.

I'm hanging in there, thanks, and will keep you folks posted with developments.

[charlene]

oh my gosh - what a time of it you're having!
And here in Toronto it is LITERALLY pouring....
I hope you get some good news and things calm donw a bit with all this medical trauma going on...
stay safe (and dry) and keep us posted...
thinking of you,
Char

[Jesse Joe]

Yes Annie, hope things go better, thinking of you & yours. Jesse.

[Cathy]

Hang in there, Annie. There are a lot of things they can do for stroke victims now!

[joveski]

hope things get better!

[brink-]

gee Annie, never a dull moment at your house. I hope your Mom gets better and Rich's surgery is fine. Surprise with your ex-brother in law, will wonders never cease. Hang in there - our thoughts are with you.

[Peter Bro10]

Annie,
without getting too preachy, I hope you'll find comfort in all the prayers that are being said for you and yours. Though I don't know you personally, as a member of this corfid family there is an odd kinship of sorts.
Hang in there and you'll discover hidden strengths and such, that you didn't know you had.

[BILLW]

Good luck Annie - this too shall pass. We're all pulling for you !

Bill :)

[Shutup and Deal, I'm Losin']

It's always bad when more than one of these things happen at once. :( (Trust me, I know in the not too distant past) We'll be prayin' for you. :)

[Auburn Annie]

Thank you all. Rich's surgery went well, very little pain, good movement (so far) in the affected finger. We unwrap the bandages the day after tomorrow. My uncle's stroke was, like Gord's, a TIA. He was sent home this morning.

My mom is holding her own but will not recover. She is DNR, receiving comfort care only. We have, in effect, been holding an extended wake as all of the siblings, various aunts, uncles, cousins, grandchildren and friends gather around her hospital bed, telling stories and collecting "momisms" (my brother brought his laptop along to record the memories.) Once in a while she opens her eyes for a few minutes and gazes at us but it never lasts more than a moment or two. But we cry a little and laugh a lot and share a mountain of food brought in.

The nursing staff have been wonderful to us as we've scrounged extra pillows and chairs from - ahem - other rooms, and put up with as many of 20 people at a time in the room. Fortunately most of the rooms around us (at the end of the hall) are empty and we try to keep it down to a dull roar so as not to disturb other patients. Their kindness is especially noteworthy as they themselves are under tremendous pressure due to a major reorganization and there is sky-high anxiety as to job security (or, more accurately, lack of.) By the end of the year I doubt there will be more than a handful of folks remaining who were there four years ago when I left.

We are for the most part at peace with Mom leaving us when she's ready. We have been blessed with time to say what we need to say and are leaving it up to her to "let go and let God" as the saying goes.

Thanks for all the kind thoughts and prayers.

[brink-]

Annie,
What a healthy outlook your family has. Seems you are all secure in the knowledge that your mother is prepared. How very kind of her, to help you all this last time.

We are for the most part at peace with Mom leaving us when she's ready. We have been blessed with time to say what we need to say and are leaving it up to her to "let go and let God" as the saying goes.

The medical staff has gone above and beyond their "job discriptions" and become close family during this time.
Nice of your brother to bring the laptop - you will all love going over the momisms in a couple years, laughter and tears, seems like our lives are full of them.
Good thoughts to your whole family.
Deb

[Sydney Steve]

Nothing I can say can add anything of value here.
Thinking of you and your family from far away...

[charlene]

Some wise words:

Rainy day people always seem to know when it's time to call
Rainy day people don't talk
They just listen til they've heard it all.

Rainy day people don't lie when they tell you, they've been down there too
Rainy day people don't mind if you're crying a tear or two.

[Jesse Joe]

As incredible as this may sound Annie, I feel your pain. Not knowing you, at all, of course.

I dont know how to translate this in English, but there's a famous french saying about ones MOM. "La Mere est le coeur du foyer."

Would be something like, "One's mother is the heart of the Home."

After all she is the person, that has brought us into this world.

For all you people out there, who still have there Moms, do worship them, while you still can.

With all of our differences, and fast pacing lifestyle, Mothers, are, our best friend.

My thoughts are definitely with you Annie.

"She is my flower, and she blooms, for the ones who love her best." ~ Gord Lightfoot.~

[Auburn Annie]

Final update (no pun intended):

Mom slipped away peacefully in her sleep at a little past 3 this morning. The doctors were amazed that she lasted 13 days. Most of the last few days she was completely unconscious. One of the benefits (?) of a lengthy watch is the chance to get preparations well in hand and things sorted out in advance. Her wake is one day only, on Monday, with funeral on Tuesday. Yep, Halloween. It's supposed to be beautiful weather here, high near 60 and mostly clear. I hope. It's cold, windy and raining like mad here today. We've already had a family council this morning to run the calling hours, prayer readers, pall bearers etc, by everyone, and have us all look over the obit for any additions or changes, etc. Later this afternoon, Mom's only brother will be addressing us re settling the estate (he's a retired lawyer and will be giving us basic information and referral to a practicing attorney.)

Already the food has started arriving by the boxcar: Aunt Clara arrived with 4 bags of bagels and cream cheese, Aunt Laila is sending a chicken dinner, a friend is delivering meat trays for lunch. At times like this I always remember the voiceover from near the end of "To Kill A Mockingbird":

"Neighbors bring food with death... and flowers with sickness... and little things in between."

Thanks for all your kind postings.

[Don Quixote]

Our prayers are with you and your whole family, Annie. God rest your Mom's soul.
DQ

[ October 28, 2006, 14:45: Message edited by: Don Quixote ]

[RM]

Annie,

I impressed that you can see some "positives" during this time, and are appreciative, with a bit of a sense of humor.

[charlene]

Annie, warm thoughts for you and your family are on their way from cold Toronto....stay safe, keep smiling.
char

[Kathy in Michigan]

Annie,
My thoughts and sympathy are with you also. I got all teared up reading this thread, as I've lost my step mother and father in law this summer. You will go through so many emotional ups and downs in the next months, years really. Take care of yourself (very important!) and your family (also very important). And let the healing begin.
Kathy in Michigan

[mnmouse]

Annie,
I am very sorry for your loss. I wish you peace and comfort.
Mouse

[brink-]

Annie,
It sounds like your Mother went painlessly, I hope that knowledge will help you and your family deal with the pain of her loss. She raised a wonderful and caring daughter, you will carry on her legacy. I am glad you have your family close. Take Care, Annie.
Deb

[BILLW]

May God Bless You and your family.

Sincerely,

Bill

[Auburn Annie]

Thanks you all for your kind words and prayers. They are much appreciated.

It's been an interesting 24 hours. The arrangements are set. We have my sister's ex flying in with her boys today, and my brother's soon-to-be-ex driving in with their kids this evening. Somebody commented we need to get pictures because it's unlikely we'll ever see this bunch together again.

The first ham arrived, brought by my aunt Maura. That is something of a family joke. When my grandfather Cuddy died in 1972, people would call ahead and say they were coming over to the house with food, drop it off, stay a few minutes and leave. Today folks drop off pizza or bagels or a meat and cheese tray but in those days it was a ham or maybe a turkey, something that could sit on the sideboard and be eaten then or used later for sandwiches, soups, put in the freezer etc. My grandfather was a well-known and well-like auctioneer and had lots of friends as well as family. Well, by the time the 17th ham arrived, my aunt Maura had just about lost it. The phone rang again. To everyone's great relief, it was NOT an 18th ham but a tray of cupcakes (to which everyone responded with "ooooooo" - the Cuddy family is known for its sweet tooth.) To this day Grandpa's funeral is known as "The Funeral of the 17 Hams."

We had the reading of the will yesterday afternoon - why so soon, I don't know but I suspect my uncle wanted to put it out there, do his duty, and back off. No real surprises, just one sticking point with the house, which if not resolved soon and diplomatically could set off hard feelings. I know they wrote their wills the way they did because of dad's family's experience (the only daughter got everything, the 4 sons got a few mementos.) For us, Dad always said he had 9 children, not 1 and everything is to be split 9 ways including the house. However we have one sibling who has always assumed it would be hers (and has been acting that way recently), and morally speaking she's earned it, but legally it's not. My uncle did suggest she buy out the rest of us, and those who don't want or need the money could say no thanks, you can have my share. But nobody wants to approach her with the sugggestion. We're still exhausted and nerves are frayed and she's prickly at the best of times. Still, she's lived rent-free for years while caring for the folks and working a full-time job so has been able to bank most of her salary. Mom's pension paid the bills. It's a pickle.

A word to the wise: have wills that very clearly spell out what's being left to whom and why, and talk to your kids in advance. We will be updating our wills as [a] Kyle is no longer a minor and Rachel won't be for long and [b] Kyle now owns his own house. I annually review beneficiaries and have filed "transfer on death" forms for non-IRA assets to keep them out of probate. Nobody likes to think about it but keeping your wills and a list of assets updated makes it so much easier for those left behind. I have most of my information on a flash drive (account numbers, contact information, where to find papers, etc.)

[SilverHeels]

Annie, I just checked in and want to add my condolances. I lost my mother not so many years ago - after a long watch - so I know how you are feeling. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours, Annie.

[Kathy in Michigan]

Annie,
When my step mom died in June, (even though much of the family lived far away in other states and were not as close as my sister and I were to her,) a great amount of healing took place within the family.
My brother was estranged from his daughter for the past 15 years. They were both able to spend some time together during their stay here and start to heal some of those old wounds (thanks to his 1st ex wife, mother of his children, who made sure their daughter got here for the funeral.)
Our family isn't real large, but only 2 of my dad's grandchildren(of 9) weren't here and 3 (of 16) great grand children were also absent.
Take those pictures! Who knows when you will all be together again. I look at these photos and even though it was a very sad time, I get lots of warm fuzzies seeing us all together. It has been waaaaaayyyy too long!
I hope that things are going all right with you and yours. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Kathy

[Jesse Joe]

Just read this Annie, very sad indeed. Thinking of you... ~ Jesse~ :(

[Auburn Annie]

Well, we made it through the wake (oh my achin' feet!!) and funeral and graveside services without anyone collapsing. Only my son was MIA; he's dealing with some sort of depression and can not handle the sadness of funerals.

My brother wrote a wonderful eulogy (including the call/response my parents sang while doing Mom's physical therapy - Dad would sing "Oh how we danced on the night we were wed" to which Mom would reply "If you think we danced, you have rocks in your head.")

The church was full with her siblings, grandchildren, cousins, friends and neighbors. The organist mangled "Wind Beneath My Wings" but did "Danny Boy" okay and I was already out the door by the time he was supposed to segue into "When Irish Eyes are Smiling." We had a police escort all the way. The weather was beautiful: 60s, slightly overcast with a light breeze. And the catered lunch was delicious. Tomorrow everything goes back to whatever the new normal is.

[charlene]

the 'new normal' - wow - ain't that the truth Annie...
Love the call/response...too cute!
Stay safe, stay strong, keep smiling....
Char

[SilverHeels]

Annie, sounds like you did your mother proud. I am sure she was watching from somewhere and loving every minute.

[brink-]

Sorry about Kyle, poor kid.
Appears most everything went well sad about the organist, nobody will remember that part anyway.
Cute story on the call/response. lol
Hope all works out now on the will part.

[Auburn Annie]

We've started the legal process but it'll take about 6 months to fully shake out. Debts have to be settled (next to none) and financial institutions notified. We figure on needing about 20 copies of the death certificate. The paperwork is endless. Meanwhile we're spending a lot of time on the phone with the medical suppliers to come and retrieve home care equipment, supplemental insurance, retirement system re pension checks, etc.

For a change of pace I took my hubby out for lunch (he usually treats me) and a browse through a new gift shop in the next town over. We found a couple of early Christmas gifts for the kids, old metal signs, one reading "Beer: Lowering Men's Standards Since 1865" for Kyle, and a Betty Boop one for Rachel. There were some very nice framed prints (local painters) and a small art deco clock that Rich liked. I think Mrs. Claus will be going back for that another time.

[Auburn Annie]

I worry about him. He's resistant to counseling (we've suggested both gently and strongly) and wants to work it out himself. I make sure to touch base just about daily, by phone or in person. He *did* trim the Grizzly Adams beard - it's still full but not out to there. He came close to showing up for the funeral (dressed for it). I told him in a few weeks he and I could go together to the grave for a few minutes if he wanted and he said okay. I'm not pushing it. I have heard indirectly that the sister who had been primary caregiver was criticizing his not being there to another sibling. Not to him, not to me, but... This is the same one who has assumed possession of the family home, and has already told one sister she can only come there on Wednesdays to do her laundry. Possession may be 9/10ths of the law but the will itself trumps possession, and the estate is jointly owned 9 ways for now.

This is beginning to sound like a soap or Saturday afternoon serial. To be continued....

[Auburn Annie]

I think it's a lot of residual stress talking. FWIW I'm glad I'm not one of the executors; my younger brothers are - Dad was old-fashioned that way. They're hearing complaints by way of all the back channels and are the ones who have to diplomatically soothe and smooth things over.

Stay tuned for the latest installment in ... As the Stomach Turns! [thank you, Carol Burnett]

[Cathy]

I'm like Kyle is with funerals. I just absolutely hate them, and don't go unless it's a close relative.
Back in the 8th grade, a classmate was killed while plowing a field. The field was on a side hill, and he hit a piece of ledge, causing the tractor to roll over on him. It took forever for the ambulance to arrive, and he suffered terribly before he finally died. Inspite of the fact that he was terribly injured, his parents had an open casket funeral. It was quite a shock for a kid who'd never been to a funeral, to look at his swollen head and bruised up face. His head was the size of a basketball. It scared the hell out of me!
I've been to 5 funerals since... 2 grandmothers, a grandfather, a friend's father, and my own father. Every time I walk into that funeral parlor, I see young Robert lying in his casket.
My brother, who is the funeral director/mortician, says I need to seek therapy. :rolleyes:

[Auburn Annie]

I think you were too young, especially as it was a classmate, and under the circumstances. I didn't attend my first wake until I was in college, and that was unplanned (on my part.) I was returning home on vacation and my parents met me at the train station with "oh by the way, we're stopping on the way home for your grandfather's cousin's wake." I never saw so many elderly relatives in my life until we had a family reunion many years later, lol.

[Peter Bro10]

It's an odd thing, but I've never regretted going to a funeral or wake, but there have been ones I've skipped and then later regretted not going.

[Auburn Annie]

I missed my maternal grandfather's funeral which happened just after I got back to college in my junior year. He had been in poor health for some time with emphysema, however, and had written to tell me that if he died while I was at school, not to come home. So I didn't. And missed the "Funeral of the 17 Hams" (see above). But I can't say I regretted missing it. The hardest one, oddly enough, wasn't family but a neighbor I'd known since I was 10 and she was 9. She died at the age of 51, a few weeks before my Dad died.

[brink-]

Annie,
Great thought to take Kyle to the cemetary. Also, maybe a nice momento of Grandma for Kyle's new house.
I think the old adage of "walk a mile in my moccasins" would be good for your sister. She needs to mellow out, I hope she was speaking because she is in shock or stressed instead of being vindictive.

[Cathy]

He's 17 years younger than I am. He was kind of an after thought... or a good old mistake.
He actually seems like he's one of my kids, instead of my brother.